Sometimes, things feel really bad, and sometimes, things feel really good… And there are times when you have no idea how they feel; you have no idea how you even feel. It’s a mixture of feelings in which causes confusion and shakes you a little. It’s learning to embrace the change, learning that nothing is ever permanent, and accepting that too.
When you think you’ve met the one, they might not be exactly that. They might cheat or lie or lead you on… And from that, you learn to not trust so easily in the future. You learn a lesson every single time. But how are you supposed to feel when you feel like you’ve met someone really special, and yet they’re leaving. They haven’t done anything bad so you can’t hate them, and it wasn’t their decision; in fact they’re doing everything not to hurt you… But it does hurt.
I don’t know whether to trust my instincts – they’ve never been the most trustworthy… But this just feels right. There’s no ‘trying to make it happen’ and there’s definitely no awkward silences. I feel like I have a best friend and that’s what I want in a boyfriend. But as I say, he’s leaving so how do I deal with this? What do I do? These are all the questions running through my head, and it terrifies me. It’s the not knowing that I absolutely hate, but most of all I’m terrified that I’ll lose him. He’s become such a big part of my life over these last 6 weeks, and it’s such a short amount of time, I know, but when something feels right, you just know don’t you?
My usual thing is to just jump in at the deep end and see what happens, possibly regret it later… But I’m really reserved right now. He brings out the best in me though. He makes me realise that I am pretty, and I am a nice person. He actually seems to care about me, and to be honest, I’m not really used to this. Is this why I’m scared? Or am I just scared of ruining things?
I’m not afraid of being alone, that’s not an issue, but I’m afraid that now I’ve met him, that part of me he’s somewhat healed is going to open up when he leaves. I’ve never been that close to someone and yet, been so far away at the same time. That sounds absurd but my feelings for him really confuse me. Usually, by this point, I’ve run a mile… Which is how I know that he’s different. He makes me want to be me; the real me.