It’s hard to think about life rationally at 4am but here I am, trawling through every single detail from the last 4 months…

Sometimes I hardly remember they’re not here anymore but most of the time my mind goes through every single possibly scenario, almost all with me in the wrong every time.

I did some things I regret, I’ll admit that, but I never set out to deliberately hurt anyone. It’s hard to play this game when only one of you participates. You can’t blame someone for dropping out of a losing game; for quitting a demoralising battle.

And it’s only when you’ve lost that you realise what you had or furthermore, what you could have had. It’s been 3 months since that night – one of the best nights of my life. The one, and possibly only, night that all the feelings of joy, excitement, happiness, nervousness, but most importantly, the feeling that I finally belonged, all came together. But belonging in someone’s arms isn’t as satisfying or calm when they don’t want to belong in yours.


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