Sitting here, waiting for the snow to fall, I do indeed feel like a little kid, but I don’t actually care. I know I probably shouldn’t, in some people’s opinions, however I enjoy it. I love snow! I love watching it fall, it’s so pretty, and I love playing in it and having fun. And if there’s something wrong with that, then there’s something wrong with the world. The Christmas tunes are playing around the room and it feels really festive right now. Having spent the day travelling from Norwich to Lincoln, it’s nice just to relax and look forward to Christmas.
Strangely, I haven’t let the disappointment of Monday get to me. Things have really changed! And tomorrow is another interview too. This time, I’m nervous but that’s good. Things go well when there’s a few nerves rushing around. I also received a call from a company I was really hoping to hear from today as well. I didn’t even think they’d look at my CV let alone want to talk to me about the position. I couldn’t contain myself when I heard the voice mail and danced around the room like a lunatic! And the minute I pressed the end call button, I thought about him – how proud he’d be. Perhaps in reality, he wouldn’t care at all, but to me, he would. It made me proud to think that maybe, just maybe I made him proud too, or smile. I didn’t and don’t aim to make him smile, I mean that’s not my aim in life. My aim is to be happy and successful and make myself smile, but sometimes, pleasing others makes you happy as well.
Sometimes, I see his face… I wonder what he’s doing or thinking or feeling. I wonder whether he would be happy to see me. I wonder whether he misses me or not. It’s not a big deal, it’s not the end of the world if he doesn’t, and he probably doesn’t to be honest. I saw his face today, after I got the news. I was beaming with joy just at the fact that they contacted me! And I wanted to contact someone, and the first person who came to mind wasn’t my mum or my best friend but it was him. I wanted to call him and speak about it and tell him how pleased I was. To hear what he thought, and hear him say ‘well done’, but that’s all just in my imagination. I’m back to that again though. Most of what I’ve ever wanted includes him. Along with all of the good times that are to come, I can only see his face and I don’t know how to make this go away. I want him but if we weren’t meant to be then that’s that. Why is he still on my mind?!
Things seem different, and I don’t mean in a bad way, just in a different way. I don’t really have bad times anymore, well not within the last 3 weeks anyway. Ever since that dreadful day, things have turned around and when things get tough, I can actually deal with them now. It feels weird but good. I guess I’m learning how to live. And sometimes, I feel grumpy and miserable but that’s just a feeling, it’s not me. Realising that was a very big part of my recovery I think. Realising that I wasn’t the cause and I wasn’t the bad one, and that these feelings were defining me rather than me overcoming them instead. So now, I just have a nap or do something fun and I feel a lot better afterwards. Lack of sleep has a lot to answer for! Things that I once enjoyed, I enjoy a lot more than ever before now and when I smile, it feels real not fake. Faking it is fine for a while but it’s not the answer. It’s just a front and I had to work out what was eating me up inside first, and now that I have, I can smile genuinely. I get excited about the tiniest of things now and it feels good to be able to feel like that. I genuinely do feel like a little child again, because I missed out on so many years of my childhood, caught up in this illness. It wasn’t just an illness though, it became a way of life. I was miserable and it was like a never-ending cycle, but I broke that cycle and that’s something to be proud of. Being proud isn’t something I’m used to. I’ve never really done anything to be proud of but turning my life around is indeed something to be proud of and I shall go onto achieve a lot more that I can be proud of, as well as many other people too.
I close my eyes at night-time and dream. I dream of all the nice things that I want; I imagine myself with an amazing career, surrounded by my lovely family, and having fun. I used to dread night times, they were the worst. I was alone and couldn’t help but fear the worst. My sleep patterns were all over the place and it was nightmares not dreams that occurred. But I must thank all of that, in such a weird way, for without it I wouldn’t know what happiness is. I wouldn’t understand why making the most of every moment is very important either. And this smile wouldn’t mean a fraction of what it does now. This smile represents freedom more than anything else. Freedom to be happy.