I got tickets! Yay. Getting up early to book tickets to see Paul Weller wasn’t particularly difficult! Next summer has just been topped off. Seriously, this is the best time of my life. You know why? Because I’m only just learning how to live. I’m enjoying things for the first time, I’m doing things that make me happy and I am happy. I’ve cut most the bad out of my life, and I’m working on the bad that I can’t currently remove too. I don’t wake up anymore hating the world, despising myself, or angry at what’s happened in the past. I don’t wake up dreading what might happen that day either, I just wake up with a clean state, determined to be better than the previous day. Every day is a brand new day.
Ever since last Friday, when something terrible happened. I won’t go into detail because the details aren’t important. Just to say that I realised I was more important than I was admitting to myself. And even though sometimes it may be difficult, that was not how I wanted my life to be. So I made a choice. I changed the bad to good, and the good to excellent because every thing I have is excellent, I just don’t appreciate it as much as I should do sometimes. That’s not to say that things will be pretty easy from now on because I know that’s not true.
Life is always difficult in one way or another, but you just have to keep trying and looking forward to those little things. What motivates me isn’t having a fancy career or loads of money, I just want the little things – to be happy, to love and laugh, to have a family, to enjoy occasions together, to hold hands, to cuddle, to bake cakes, to go for walks, to enjoy someone else’s company, to play music, to go to a gig, to take photographs, to draw or paint. All these little things are what makes me happy and without them, there’s nothing. It’s just a life of working or not working; having nothing to look forward to. And so, I obviously want a job that pays well so I can get by financially and go shopping when I want to etc, but that’s not what I live for. Money doesn’t matter to me a massive amount.
And thinking about all these things makes me realise that I’ve changed. I’m not scared anymore. Nothing can really hurt me more than I’ve hurt myself, nothing can punish me more either, but mostly, nothing can stop me from enjoying myself and achieving what I want to achieve. It doesn’t matter about anyone else because my dreams are called my dreams for a reason. And secretly, even though I say I don’t want a good career, I will have one in a few years just to prove that I can.