MY MAP

You know what? It’s so strange… When I listen to love songs or heartfelt songs or songs from movies, I don’t think of anyone. I shed the occasional tear but not for anyone. I used to. There used to be that one person in my life who I wanted, who I thought I loved, and that really got to me. But now, it’s just me. There isn’t anyone I want, but I want someone. I cry because I miss the cuddles and kisses. I miss the walks and holding hands and sex that actually means something to them. I miss being told ‘I love you’. I haven’t heard that in a while, and maybe I deserve that. Perhaps I don’t deserve someone to love me yet. But since seeing that film last night, I knew that someday there would be. I just need to hold on for that long, and be able to get my life in the right direction this time. Because it’s not about anyone else. It’s not about who I want in my life. My life should be what I want and then they will join me. That’s something I’ve never been able to get my head around until now, kind of. But I think when that right person comes along, I will know.

Being indecisive doesn’t half cause problems for yourself! I was dead set on dropping out and now, I don’t know what to do. I’m torn between the aspects of my course that I like and the ones I really hate (the majority of them). But all in all, the main question is, do I want to be a Journalist? And the answer is no. I can’t see myself doing that for the rest of my life, and as much as I love magazine design and photography, continuing this course is a waste of time essentially if it won’t get me to where I want to be in my career. It’s like taking the wrong road, just to turn around and take the other one – the right one. And as hard as it will be saving all that money up and starting all over again, I know I can do it. I trust myself enough to be strong enough this time. Things will be tough but I’ve been through worse and come out the other side, so why can I do it this time?

I’m quite optimistic about my future and things are finally settling down a little. I’m reaching out to the people I desperately needed to reach out to and getting the help that I needed and deserved, finally. I guess needing a little help once in a while doesn’t make you weak, it just means that you’ve taken too much on your shoulders and it’s dragging you down. I know what I need to do now. I’m not waiting around for men that don’t mean what they say, I’m not trying to please anyone else and I’m just trying to move forwards and do go where I want to go. I’ve drawn out the map, I just need to make my way there now.

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