Christmas is only two months away today. Christmas is supposed to be a good time but somehow, this year, I’ve got mixed feelings. Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy and laughter, the cold winter nights you snuggle up by the fire in the arms of the one you love, the excitement of shopping, and seeing people’s faces when they open their presents. But none of that really matters right now. Maybe Christmas is too far away to matter, or maybe it’s just not important anymore.

Looking at Christmas pictures, I get excited, I really do get mega excited, but then I realise that that’s not my life. That’s someone else’s and mine is just not that fun anymore. Being depressed at Christmas time isn’t how I want this year to be. I think I convinced myself that this illness would never come back, but it has, and it hurts. I want to be able to enjoy Christmas, but I have to change. I have to do something I’ve never done and never even thought about doing. I’m changing the habits of a lifetime, because you know what, I want those pictures to be like mine. I want to be that person enjoying themselves around the fire, scoffing mince pies, without a care in the world. And it might not be this year or next, but one day it’ll happen.

Being ashamed or afraid of this isn’t the way to be, I’m only burying my head in the sand like the last 13 years. It’s strange to think this has been my life since I was 9, so in fact, I don’t really know any different but I’ve seen what life can be like. I’ve seen those pictures. Those sparkly little surrounding all the love held by Christmas. Having fun with your friends and family. It might not be perfect but it’s whatever you make it. Nothing in life is ever perfect, you just have to get used to what you’ve got. Someone will always have things better than you, but it’s those little moments we must learn to cherish, for ourselves if no one else.


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