Do you know what? I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself and start enjoying life. I can’t keep worrying about what might happen or what happened in the past, I just have to enjoy the here and now. I’m not going to be put off men or relationships for life just because of him, or him or anyone else. What we had was fun and what I wanted at the time, so no regrets, ever.

You only get out of life what you put in so this is it. It’s time to start putting in. I’m not living at the moment, I’m just too scared to do anything. Yes, I scare myself that I sometimes feel out of control and get really paranoid, but life is going by. Each day will come and go no matter what, so why not live it. Make the most of the time you get.

I’m not going to fall short of my goals, I’m going to achieve everything I ever wanted to but only if I take this leap of faith. I need to take action now. I tried before but my feelings for him got in the way, but now he is gone, what’s holding me back? What’s stopping me from being the best I could possibly be? What’s stopping me from attracting a really nice guy and starting something new with him? What’s stopping me from earning money, or getting a job, or making new friends? Each moment presents a brand new opportunity and this is my life.

Why am I bothering about other people, who don’t bother about me? Why am I stuck trying to make them happy or prove to them I can do it? I’m done with that. I’m just going to be free and live for each and every precious moment life gives me. Getting help for these things doesn’t mean I’m weak or I’ve failed, if anything it means I care about my dreams more than anything because I’m helping myself to get there. You can’t love life, or love anyone else until you love yourself. And perhaps getting help is the start to me loving myself.

I’m just going to focus on the good in everything, that’s all I’m going to do. How can I not be happy if all I think about it good? When I think bad things, I’ll divert my attention to something good. Life is way too short wondering ‘what if’ all the time, and that’s all I’m doing now. It throws you into this pit of negativity where all you can think about and all you can see is darkness, doom and gloom. There is always a bright side to things.

It might mean I have to cut a few people out of my life right now, people who shouldn’t be taking up my attention, people who aren’t good for me. He is one, he is another, frankly anyone associated with them. I always feel bad about doing that but I never think about me. I never think about my life and how I could improve it. I’m just always going backwards, and I want to go forwards. I’m not saying these people are bad or horrible or negative because these people are in fact some of the most positive people I know. I just don’t want them in my life anymore because they take up way too much of my attention, especially him. I’m constantly thinking about him and his life and wanting to be in his life. What a waste of time. If I spend the rest of my life doing that, I’ll waste every good moment I experience. “It won’t be good because he isn’t here…” Fuck that. If he loved me, he’d be here. If he wanted me, he’d be here.

I need to stop ruining the good times because things aren’t perfect. I should just enjoy it for what it is and appreciate the fact that I am where I am. Just because things aren’t perfect doesn’t mean it’s bad. When things aren’t perfect, it just means there is room for improvement and that is where my attention should be. No more missing him and wanting him back. I’m just ruining my own life. I don’t really have a life without him at the moment, which is sad and pathetic at the same time. I am going to be my own person and become stronger because he isn’t here. And frankly, if he doesn’t want to be here then that’s his problem.

My life is going to be amazing. I’m going to experience so many adventures and see so many fantastic things. He’s only missing out. I can’t control the fact that he’s gone so I must just move on and appreciate that it happened and there is nothing I can do now but do my own thing. Concentrate on myself and make sure I am happy and healthy. No one else can make my life what I want it to be, no one else will bring me success. I need to go out there and get it. I can’t keep blaming others for my downfall. I’m just falling because it’s easier than being someone in the face of adversity. I need to start taking responsibility for my life and every decision I make, and with that, I need to start making decisions for myself and no one else. I can’t blame anyone else if it was my choice and what I wanted.

I’m not failing, it’s just an experience from which I can learn and develop. I need to stop being scared of developing and improving. There is nothing wrong with change, in fact it’s mightily good! Every moment changes us and that’s life, just something I have to come to terms with, and it’s fantastic too! We can change our situation at what ever point we like. Being like this isn’t getting me anywhere.


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