I was under the illusion that everything is always clear. I was under the illusion that everything should make sense, but it doesn’t. None of this makes any sense. No one knows why we are here, some people have ideas, and other people have other contradicting ideas, but which ones are correct? Why is life so confusing?

How is it possible someone so ignorant can have it all? She really doesn’t realise what she has. Why would you mess your own relationship up on purpose? And it made me quite angry because her boyfriend just happens to be the person I’m in love with, and have been for a year now. It really hurts because she has everything I ever wanted and indeed nearly had at one time.

A year has passed and we’ve had our moments, quite recently, but perhaps I just need to come to terms with the fact that things will never work out between us. And a part of me hates admitting that I still have these feelings for him, but to be honest, I don’t mind because I’d scream it from the rooftops if it meant things would work out between us. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a push over but I’ve wanted him since the first day I ever saw him and have never stopped thinking about him. We’ve both done things wrong, me probably more so, but to me, that could be water under the bridge if he chose me.

Sometimes, I think that he’s such a fool because he doesn’t know what he’s missing and we could have that all back if he just said one word. Not three words, just one – sorry. And other times, I think it must have been me that drove him away but it happened and I can’t do anything about that now. Saying that though, there’s nothing I can do about the fact that he’s all I think about either.

Time passes by and people have to get on with their lives no matter what. It doesn’t matter whether I’m with him or not, I still have to do what I was meant to do, and my happiness can not be determined by him or his actions anymore. I’ve given up wishing that he’d just choose to be with me, because no matter how much I want him, that doesn’t affect the outcome of this situation and I have to stop thinking that I can control everything. He’s obviously made his mind up, but it doesn’t matter if I think it’s the wrong decision or whether I like or hate the girl, that won’t stop me feeling the way I do either.

I don’t understand his thought process or what he wants because he’s made it clear that he’s with her and yet, as I said, we’ve had our moments since then. Anyway, that’s the past and this is the present and the future is yet to come, and all I can do is focus on my actions and my future. Whether that’s with or without him doesn’t really affect me anymore. He can do what he likes because this is my life and I’m not going to let him run it anymore. I handed control over to him the first time I looked into his eyes and told him I wanted him, and now I want it back.

Men never understand a woman’s thought process though, and all this would not mean a single thing to him because he is too wrapped up in himself to even care about feelings. I guess he made me stronger though, in some respects. He taught me how to make a plan for life and how to strive towards what you really want, but he also made me experience love at first sight. I’d never experienced that before and probably will never ever again. I’m not saying I’m going to be a nun all my life, but that first moment I laid eyes on him, I knew… I just knew, and every single time since then too. I can’t look at him and feel nothing, it’s impossible. He knows how to make me feel something even when I feel numb. He’s the only one who ever made me feel amazing without saying a word. Words are great but the look we exchanged was better than anything I’ve ever experienced before. Even when I feel like things are the worst they could ever be, just one look from him and I can’t not smile.

I don’t regret what happened, even over the last few months, because even though things didn’t turn out like I’d have hoped. I finally realised that I need to face up to the fact that I do love him and I’ve loved him all along. Trying to love others, or indeed trying to start something with another person, will never hide the feelings I have for him, and it’s silly that I ever thought that would work.

And even though he doesn’t love me, at least I can enjoy the memories we engraved together. The times we smiled, the times we hugged and kissed and the times he cheered me up when I felt down. The times he made me feel like the best person in the world, the times he made me feel like he needed nor wanted anyone else and the time he made me feel like me again. But more importantly, the rare times he showed me the real person he really is, and not the act he puts on. And despite what he and everyone else would say, I still believe that there is a different person inside, the one in which I got a slight glimpse of last summer. Even if I look like a fool, I still believe that because I know what I saw.

It’s ridiculous how I can still feel like this 11 months later. I remember how happy I was when I was with him, but I want to feel that again. But I’m trying too hard and trying to make something happen to forget about him, but it just won’t go away. And this is where nothing makes sense. Why can’t I forget about him? He doesn’t exist in my life anymore or my future plans, so why is he still in here? At least on the positive side, I know that I can feel that happy so surely I’ll be able to feel that again? Right? I get scared that without him, I won’t feel that again. I get scared that without him, I won’t feel anything ever again.

This is not even me being dramatic because, hand on my heart, I can say that since we finished, even though I still saw him, I didn’t really feel anything. I stopped myself feeling anything to void the feelings I felt for him. If I can’t feel anything then I don’t have to feel anything for him, right? Wrong. Those feelings for him never went away, they just were dormant for a few months, as were all of my other feelings. And now, I can feel again, they’ve reappeared, at the most inconvenient of times! Just as I decide to move on, I’m being dragged backwards, towards him, by these stupid feelings that shouldn’t even exist anymore.

“I remember the first time you kissed me. I remember the first hug. I remember the first smile. I remember the first time you held me. I remember the first text you sent to me, the first kiss you put on the end. I remember the first time we danced. I remember the first time we spent the day together. I remember the first time I stayed the night, the first time I slept in your bed. I remember the times we spent together alone, and the times we spent with others, texting each other at the same time. ‘I wish we were alone…’ I remember that, I remember.”

Perhaps it’s the end of the road for us and perhaps I’ll never see him ever again, and if that’s the case, I genuinely hope he’s happy and I hope that he gets what he wants in life, because I’m damn sure I will now. Loving him made me feel again, and for that I will always be thankful. Even if it is slightly embarrassing, I’m not going to hide from these feelings anymore because they will always be a reminder. There’s always going to be a space for him in my heart, that will always remind me of what we had and how he made me feel. I have no regrets apart from one tiny one of throwing his stuff – his little drawing and list he did for me – out in rage. Oh well. As for him, I’ll never know whether he actually felt or still feels anything. Surely you can’t get jealous though if you feel nothing, that’s all I’m saying…


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