LIVING, NOT SURVIVING

I sometimes wonder what is so wrong with me. Why have I spent the last 14 years battling myself? The stem of all my problems comes from the fact that I don’t like myself that much. What the hell? Am I that caught up in my own self that I can’t see what is right in front of me! It’s right there, why have I been pondering around like a bear with a sore head?! This is insane.

Everything I could ever want is right in front of me waiting for me to just reach out and grab it but I hold myself back. I don’t trust myself to be the best I can be. I’ve spent forever letting people down and scared of everything, but what is the point? What is the actual point of worrying about something that probably won’t even happen and something that, compared to my goals, means nothing. I just need to take that leap of faith and I’m there. I feel so happy because even though it feels like I’m drowning, it feels like there is a hint of light at the end of the tunnel. I’m finally setting myself free at last.

In blunt terms, I need to pull myself together and get a grip. My insecurities are meaningless and pointless. It doesn’t matter where they came from or what happened previously, this is my time. I need to stop being scared of life and just live it because the days are disappearing and I’m disappearing with them. But I’ve had enough. I’m tired of being second best, I’m tired of taking the blame for everything and I’m tired of giving up on myself. If it takes me forever, so be it. There are some things in life you just know you were meant to do and this is one of them.

I’ve said this too many times but this feels different, I feel different. That was a dream and this is reality. This is a beautiful world and I’m not even living… If there was a reason for me surviving last year, twice, then this must be it. If that isn’t a reason to live, I do not know what is.

“Everyone is fighting their own battle. To be free from their past. To live in their present. And to create their future. So have heart.”

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