I think I scared my mum the other day when I told her it never goes away. It’s there everyday and the difference between being ill and being okay is the ability to fight against it. The difference between living and dying is the strength you have developed within yourself. It seems weird and must be scary too, but somehow people have this pre-conception that you just suddenly get better and it all goes away. All that hate and fear and anger just goes away.. but the truth is that it just gets shut away in a box somewhere deep inside you and when you least expect it, it’ll pop open once again.
It’s tiring, very tiring but it’s just a game to me now. It’s a game everyday, to fight against it and make sure that the box doesn’t open. Keeping things close to your heart, making sure you don’t let anyone in and guarding yourself… It’s not a confidence thing. And all of that was what was holding me back. I was terrified of the box opening again and not being ready this time. And that’s why when I do let people in, I don’t expect them to mess me around. Those are the people I have chosen to see the deep colours in my heart, all my feelings and thoughts; those are the ones I trusted with that.
I scare myself sometimes, that I still feel this way. I sometimes wonder what might happen if I was to just let go. Let go of everything, let go of all the hurt, anger, fear, rejection, lies, deceit, injustice, hate and love. What if I was to just start again – a blank canvas. But that doesn’t appeal to me. I’m proud of who I am. I’m proud of how far I’ve come and I’m proud that despite this ongoing battle inside, I’m fighting for what I want and what I deserve.
Sometimes, my heart gives up. I die a little inside and just feel like giving in and letting the box spring open inside me because at least then, I’d feel safe. But then there’s another part of me that picks me up every time I fall, that dusts me off and carries me forwards. It knows what’s right and what’s wrong and it doesn’t let me give in. And you know why? Because it remembers what it felt like when the box was open. When all I could think about was anger, fear, hate, rejection and love. When everyday wasn’t a battle, the battle had already been lost. But the hardest part of losing a battle is picking yourself up afterwards and preparing to fight again, and I was left no other option.
So every time this box starts to open, I have the power to shut it again because I know that apart from comfort, nothing inside there is good. All the good things in life are out there, and that’s the way I’m walking. Being out of my comfort zone is the most terrifying feeling of all, but to me, it’s started to become normal and what I used to think as uncomfortable isn’t as scary as I once thought. It’s these tiny battles and accomplishments every day that keeps me smiling and fighting towards my goals. That, as well as the fact that I have ultimate responsibility for my life, no one else. How easy it would be just to fall and let others pick the pieces up whilst I withered away but I want more than that. I’m not prepared to give in to this evil monster which tries to interfere with my future.
My mum asked whether it would ever go away.. and I said no, but the truth is that I don’t want it to. When the only other option is to fall off the edge of the world, it pushes you to give everything to strive towards something better. When everything you’ve worked for is at risk, it puts everything in perspective for a while. And that’s what drives me. I used to say to myself that I would never be back there, but the truth it that I am back there regularly, just to remind myself, and I get a kick out of that somehow. It sends adrenaline soaring throughout your body and forces you to make a decision – live or die. Perhaps I should just take up extreme sports, it might be a bit safer… I guess before, I was just scared that if I was back there, the past would repeat itself but I trust myself more than ever to do the right thing. I’m glad that I have this spring that I can bounce against every time I feel uncertain or lost.
What that does mean is that every day of my life is an emotional rollercoaster and anyone who decides to be part of it should really read through all the health and safety requirements first… Perhaps that’s why I haven’t found the right one yet to share this adventure with, who knows. It adds a little bit of spice into life though, who wants to be boring!