I THINK I’M JUST TOO CLOSE TO LOVE YOU

Sometimes I wish that there was a way to make everything better. To take fear away, to bring people back who aren’t in your life anymore, to make you into that person you desperately want to be. But in the end, you are only human and you can only be who you are; you were born to be this way. Life has a way of tearing you apart and causing so much damage and catastrophe, but the most beautiful thing about it is that there is always another option. Despite the way you feel and what has previously happened, you always have a choice to just forget and move on. Yeah, I wish that I hadn’t fallen for him and I wish I’d have been more careful this time. Yeah, I wish that I had made more effort in my job so I could be in management within a few months. Yeah, I wish that I was the most confident, beautiful person who had a fantastic career. But none of that is real, it’s all my perception. I’m deciding not to dwell on the bad and just focus on the good and the future instead. I’m going back to university, I’ll be free to be happy, to have fun, to work hard, to be beautiful, inside and out… No one can hold me back.

I don’t love him, I just really wanted him and trusted him and he let me down, so I’ll learn from that. I’ll just have to be a little more reserved from now on regarding guys. I’m living for the moment and living for myself now, not anyone else. I know that graduating in Journalism is going to open so many doors and as long as I get as much experience under my belt, I’ll get a good job soon enough and it’ll be a job I adore! Money means nothing to me. I’m motivated by fun and happiness. Life only happens once, and it is way too short to mess around. I’ve been doing that for far too long now. I’ve decided what I want and damn anyone who tries to get in my way. Leaving that company was probably the best thing I ever did to be honest. I needed that drop to buck my ideas up. I lost my career, good friends, someone I really liked and a massive opportunity, but perhaps I needed to let go of everything to be able to start again. I feel like I have a direction and motivation beyond words! I didn’t have that before. This is what I really wanted. I know some people will laugh and mock but I don’t really care. I know what I’m doing! If only I’d have had this conviction and determination in the business, but the past is the past and there is absolutely nothing I can do now but learn from my mistakes. I’m not going to sit here and feel sorry for myself. I’m going to face the world and take it on head first.

As much as I would love a career in fashion journalism, that isn’t my goal. My goal is to be successful in everything I do, to enjoy every single moment and to prove to everyone that I do have what it takes. And if that means a career in fashion journalism, or photography or teaching or what ever it may be, then so be it. I just know that what ever I do, everything will be okay, so right now I can just focus on working hard and getting as much experience as possible. There is nothing stopping me from being a top journalist; it’s all in my control. So what, I chose a different route but I’m so in love with my future that there is no way I won’t get there! I had doubts about the business and that’s what stopped me. I lacked self-confidence and belief because I didn’t think I could do it, but I believe in myself. I know I’m a good journalist and I have that passion, so why not me? Yeah, only a few make it, but seriously, why not me? If anything, the fact that it is very difficult make me even more excited and determined. I never had that spark in the business.. I wish I had because I would have made a brilliant manager but I chose not to. Perhaps I just didn’t get it, and if that’s the case then I would never have got it anyway.

In life, there are two ways of living; there’s living like it’s your last day every single day, and then there’s just surviving, casually strolling through life like it means nothing! No way! I want a hell of a lot out of this life. I want success and freedom and fortune but most of all, I want happiness. I want to feel like I mean something to someone in a professional and personal sense. I want to make a difference in other people’s lives. I want to feel that if I died today, I’d have given it everything! I don’t want any regrets.

Something had changed over the last week, since I’ve left. I’m not sure whether it was the fact that I was leaving everything behind and testing my strength, or whether it was because I realised that it would have never have worked out anyway; maybe I went back for the wrong reasons. Either way, I’ve somehow installed this personality that knows that it wants and doesn’t give two hoots about who tries to get in the way of that. My confidence levels have shot through the roof and I don’t hate anyone anymore. Hate is wasted on the insecure. It feels so good knowing that I will get what I want and I can give it everything. Not everyone in the world became successful from within this business. Yes, I will have to work a lot harder and fight some harder battles, but it will happen.

“As one door closes, another door opens.”

Perhaps that’s true, or perhaps I just had my eyes closed all along.

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