Why do people think they have the right to upset people? I don’t understand that! I try to be the best person I can possibly be, by helping people, being kind and caring etc, but why do someone people think they can just treat others like something they scraped off the bottom of their shoe? Infact, it’s the other way around if anything. A few days ago, someone really upset a close family member of mine and I just don’t think it’s right. But there again, no one really cares about the right thing anymore. It killed me inside to see her crying so hysterically and I don’t think people get it. Why would you do something so horrible that it makes someone else cry? How could you live with yourself? It’s an ugly world we live in nowadays.
I can’t rant about it too much because I’ve run out of energy to be angry at them, and yet at the time, I could have killed him. Something I’ve never felt before, a feeling of anger so strong I literally could have exploded. Perhaps it’s just because I’ve learnt how much the people close to me really mean over the last few weeks. Not that hurting this person in revenge would have helped though, it would have just made me as bad as him.
And despite all of that, I’m still relatively upbeat about everything. Wow, where did my worries suddenly go? Oh wait, it was just all in my head…
For the first time in literally about a year, today I laughed hysterically, out loud, in the middle of the city. My cheeks were sore, my stomach tense and nearly in tears, and I loved it. I’d forgotten how great it felt to laugh. Not just a little giggle but a massive outburst of laughter. Everyone was staring but I didn’t care, it just felt natural, I was just pleased to be me again.
A year ago this week something terrible happened. It was indeed the start of a very traumatic year, but I can actually say that I came through it. I nearly died twice and it’s not nice but it’s something I have to live with everyday. And I’m glad I do, because if I ever feel shit and mad at the world, I can just think back to how I felt back then and put everything in perspective. I lost all sense of control and my life was a mess. I don’t just mean things were slightly bad, things were horrific. I caused a hell of a lot of pain for my family, for my friends and for myself, by my own accord. And now a year later, I know that I will never be back there again. Things have moved on and I’ve come too far to give up now. I have everything at my feet and I have the capability to achieve a lot more than I ever imagined.
I was dreading looking back at the aftermath but I’m glad I did because I can see how I destroyed myself, and I take sole responsibility. Because it is fine saying you have depression but it’s not okay to blame all of your problems on it. Yes it’s hard, it’s the hardest things you will ever have to face, but someday, you will realise that you can actually change your outlook on life dramatically, within a moment. I hate the way doctors throw drugs at it and frankly have no idea how to deal with it, and it’s ironic that the one person who is supposed to know how to help actually made things a million times worse.
If getting better means that I can help others too then I’ll do whatever it takes to help anyone suffering. No one knows what it’s like or how it feels so never judge. I can’t stand by and let someone else die because of this too. Too many people suffer and die from this illness as it is and it’s time that stopped. There is a way through it, there is a solution and there is help. As hard as it sounds, you just have to believe that you will get better. Have faith in yourself and you will get there 🙂