Waking up to see your former love with his new girlfriend is not what I ever wanted to see. Despite moving on, I admit I am jealous. But he looks happy and I guess that’s all that counts right? Is it wrong that I feel slightly sick and uncomfortable?
I sometimes wish I could go back and change what happened but there is no point… And she’s so pretty! Wow, this is how jealousy really feels. I guess this was always going to happen but I’m not sure I was ready to see that so early in the morning!! Sometimes I let my emotions take over me and right now, it’s a combination of jealousy, hate and anger. I don’t want to be angry about him or anyone. Things happen, people leave or decide they don’t want to be with you anymore, and that’s just something we have to deal with.
As I stared at the photo, wondering what was going on inside his head, I realised a few things. Firstly, I realised that he didn’t leave because of me. The end of our so-called relationship was due to circumstances (mainly him just being too immature), so I’m not going to blame myself and get all down-hearted about it. I know that there’s someone out there for me. Infact, there are plenty of guys out there so perhaps it’s just time to be single and have some fun. Also, I realised that I have to stop wanting the past. As I said, things move on and people move on. If they want to be with you, they will and if they don’t, then there’s not much you can do except move on to better places, better people and better things. I’m definitely not putting my dignity on the line for someone who proved that they weren’t worth the time and effort (even if I do still love them a bit).
One thought that also struck me whilst blatantly Facebook stalking him was ‘I hope that he doesn’t hurt her like he hurt me, and I hope that he doesn’t break her heart the same way he did mine’. Perhaps that’s just me being nice but I really hope he doesn’t. He never realises what he has until it’s too late and he’s destroyed everything. I partly wished that was me for a micro-second but then took that back straight away. I don’t belong in his life, and if he’s found someone who can love him just as much as I did, then I’m happy with that. For all the misfortune we had, I do still care about him as a friend and I want him to be happy. For me that means keeping my distance or trust me, all hell will break loose.
This definitely is the start of a new chapter of the ever complicated life I lead, one where I’m going it alone. No more looking back until it’s a happy sight. No more wanting old flames. No more dependence on being in a relationship. Being single can’t be all bad. I’m not going to drown though, not this time. All I can do is be me and keep my head held high. I’d rather be single for being me than loved for being someone else.