Why do I love you? The question I’ve been trying to figure out for the last four years. This has dragged on and on and neither of us can seem to let go. I don’t hold you to blame though, neither me. Just because things didn’t turn out perfectly doesn’t mean that they won’t become right in the end. We’ll make it happen one day, just not now. You have your life and I have mine, we just can’t have a life together yet and we definitely can’t be in each others lives either. Way too much has gone on for us to be friends happily ever after. I can’t be your friend without wanting more from you which I know you just can’t give. We’re drifting apart again but neither of us can stop it, neither of us has the courage or strength to save what we had or what could have been.

I don’t wish things were different because we are who we are, things plan out just right in the end. I love every single thing about you, even if it’s not positive because it makes you who you are and that’s who I fell for all those years ago. I can’t and won’t stop feeling how I do about you but it’s going to the back of my mind for now. Life is taking another turn, into another direction. Neither right nor wrong. I know that if one day, we ever have our moment, it will be the best moment of my life. You are perfect to me and make me so happy. I genuinely can’t stop smiling when I think about you or when I’m with you.  Everything that has ever happened between us has happened to make that moment so much more special, for both of us. One day, I will learn to read your feelings and one day, you will learn that you were always the one for me. I never wanted anyone else.

The future holds so much for both of us and we have to enjoy every day we spend together and every day we spend apart. Forget about all the tiny details that cause arguments and forget about the jealousy, hurt and pain caused over the last few years. We will learn to treasure the fantastic moments when we are totally at peace with the world and happier than ever, purely because we have the other ones arms wrapped around us. We will never make each other all we have because one day, that will end and the other will be left brokenhearted and alone.

I’m not holding out for a happy ending with you, that’s just my hopes and dreams. All I know is that love is strange. When you asked me what love was, all I wanted to say was ‘it’s how I feel about you’, but instead I bottled it, as always. In the future, I will learn to let things go and move on even if it hurts more than anything in the world. I’m tired of hoping that you will change your mind, I should know you never will because you’re stubborn, and so am I. If this ever works out, we will fight and argue like little kids but we’ll always know that we never mean it. We’ll always know how the other person feels about us even if no words are spoken, just the slightest of glances. One look into your eyes and I’d be able to tell how you feel.

Love isn’t a game, although sometimes I wish it was. Sometimes I wish that this meant nothing, you meant nothing, sometimes I even wish that I never met you. Harsh, I know, but in the ugliness of my confused mind, things seem better if they never happened. And confused it will always be. Confused about you, confused about me, confused about us and most of all confused about what to do. Do I try to win your heart or do I let you go? Do I try to change your mind or do I let you be happy with someone else? Every flashback, every memory, ruined. Every time I see your face in my vivid mind, I see her too. I don’t even know what she looks like but she’s been given a face and you’re happy together. This tears me apart. I’m happy for you if you are happy and I will leave but the jealousy starts to build up and up until it boils over and I just want to scream. I want to shout it from the rooftops how much you mean to me, but it’ll never make a difference to you. I’m not even sure if you hear me anymore. You say you care but what does that actually mean? I care about a lot of things, some that are precious to me, some that are not so precious and some I don’t really think about. Perhaps I’m one of those, put on the shelf waiting for my time, forgotten about, and you don’t even realise. You don’t realise how this makes me feel.

And yes I’m scared. I’m terrified. I’m scared that you’re moving on without me, I’m scared that you will start to hate me and I’m scared that when I do finally move on, you will come back and ruin it all. We can never leave well alone, we can never stop. The human mind sees what it wants and does anything to get it, even if that means treading on a few toes along the way. However, I guess if we weren’t scared, this wouldn’t be life. We wouldn’t be human and life wouldn’t be real. Emotions make us who we are. Most of all though, I’m scared that you’ll break my heart. I have two options though, continue to be helpless and let it happen or I have to trust. I have to have faith in you that you mean every word that you say, I have to believe that when you say you want me, you do actually want me and I have to be ready to trust myself too.

So as we both go our separate ways, I wish you the very best and all the happiness in the world and one day, we will meet again, I promise. You have no idea how much you changed my life the day you set foot into my world.


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