With our law exam pending tomorrow, the feeling of doom is starting to set in. It’s not so much that I don’t know the material, it’s the panic of ‘mind blank’ just as soon as I sit down to write, as well as the guilt of not revising as much as I should have. Either way, it all comes down to tomorrows performance. The reaction to an exam is what I fear most. The moment when you sit down and a blank exam paper is placed in front of you, being expected to fill these sheets of paper with all your knowledge in the matter of hours. No room for slip-ups or mistakes, no time for errors or misjudgements. However, the feeling after the exam is the most confusing of all feelings, as I’ve learnt that it’s not actually a true reaction. When I come out of an exam feeling quite confident that it went okay, the majority of times I’ve actually done quite badly or not up to expectations anyway, and when I’m feeling like it was the worst exam in the world, I probably have done great! But that’s the thing, sometimes my expectations are way too high and not only do I fail to achieve them and let myself down, I forget that I actually did really well in the first place. So it’s pointless because I put so much pressure on myself to do well that sometimes I think it hinders my performance anyway, so what is the point?
This exam tomorrow however, I am feeling quietly confident which is scary. The amount of revision I’ve done isn’t that huge but I feel like I understand most topics so it’s just the ‘putting it into practice’ which is the next part. So as I sit here, I realise that I should actually be revising for the 9.30AM exam but I’m writing a blog. Maybe my priorities are not in the right order as they should be but I think that a relaxing activity is what is in order. That is until I suddenly freak, jump up off the sofa and scare the shit out of my house mates by screaming at the top of my voice! All followed by staying up half the night with my head stuck in a book, thinking ‘I will fail if I don’t revise’. I’m such a freak, but I love it. I’m embracing being different and enjoying being me for once. Ofcourse everyone freaks at the sound of the word ‘exam’ but they aren’t that scary, are they?
I think that we should all stop worrying and just enjoy today for what it is; a beautiful day full of glorious events. We should rejoice the minor miracles which occur every single day and celebrate the fact that we have everything to live for. Being with the ones we love, friends, family, girlfriends, boyfriends, as well as being ourselves. There’s not been a day when I’ve woken up, looked in the mirror and actually appreciated what I see, but I’m trying and slowly getting there. There’s nothing better than a lovely day with the sunshine, freedom and the future.
I saw a picture the other day which represented my future perfectly, or how I hope it to be anyway. I don’t know why it did, but it just did. It was a white room with a hand crafted sign saying ‘LOVE’ on the wall along with photographs from adventures and travels and an old, white desk. The desk was the best part about the room. It wasn’t cluttered but wasn’t neat and tidy either, it was just right. It had a shrub on it, a file with magazine in it, a antique lamp and little pots of unique perfumes, as well as some books too. The moment I saw that picture, I knew that I was on the right path. The path to happiness. Not only had I seen my future in one picture, but it had inspired me to work harder, live better and enjoy myself throughout all of it. Life is amazing and sometimes you need these little kicks along the way to restart your journey and recharge your batteries; this was mine.
Being someone that everyone else wants you to be is nothing compared to being who you want to be and doing what you want, when you want.
One day, I hope that I can say that I am truly happy with who I am but for now, at least I can say that I’m trying.