A NEW MONTH… ANOTHER NEW START

The first of the month, a new beginning. I’m finally starting to deal with the hole in my life, but knowing it’s there and doing something about it are two totally different things. I’ve opened my eyes to what is right in front of me and I am ready to do something about this. I don’t want to spend my days missing someone who doesn’t even care about me, that’s a waste of energy and time. Besides, I have better things to think about. Things are looking up. My mentality is slowly changing and I’ve realised that I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me that much, someone who runs at the first sight of trouble. Admittedly, I’ve done many wrongs for which I accept, but you are not blameless. I want someone who wants me for being me. I am a person who will hide at any sight of trouble and just wants to run away most of the time. I can’t deal with high stress situations and turn to extreme methods of comfort. But underneath all that, I think there is a girl who just wants to be loved. Loved for all my good characteristics but more importantly loved for all my flaws too. A person who can deal with me and who actually wants me and one day they will appear. But for now I am happy being me. Just me. Simple is not the correct word because I am far from it. Complicated is closer to me than simple I think and I just want to start having fun now. My life has been taken over by you for years and that is now changing. I want to find myself and create a life for myself in which I can cope without you or without any guy. I want to be stable and in control of every aspect of my life but you ruined that. For the first time in years I have realised that I am worth far more than that and probably far more than you ever gave me credit for. I want to be strong but inside I am weak and putting on a show takes so much effort, I’ve given up. But you made me this way and then when things got difficult, you turned away. The one time I needed guidance and comfort you left me. What does that say about you? Apparently you are happy now… well good for you. But between you and me, I’m beyond caring. You used to be the one I cared about most in the whole world but you threw that away. Couldn’t you see that my actions were just a sign of weakness? A sign of struggle? I wanted you to be there and show me the way to a happier life but you chose the easy way out. I’m glad you’re happy but I tell you this, when things come crumbling down around your feet I will not be there to comfort you. I am done with that. I was there for you throughout everything, even putting my own relationship in jeopardy. Obviously that meant nothing to you. I would have given my life for you but not now, because my life is way too precious to be in your incapable hands. You told me to move on and that is exactly what I am doing. Washing my hands clean of you. I will be sad to say goodbye but more relieved than anything. A massive weight off of my shoulders.

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